A Week Since My Breakup...

Hey guys.

It's been a long while since I've written anything. 2016 has been a really difficult year for me as I'm sure it has been for any of you. This past fall semester felt like death and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through but I did...we did..so congrats.

As you can see from the title, this post is to talk about my breakup recently. I'll be trying to do this as a series because this is sort of new territory for me. Firstly, I just want to explain that I'm not typing this to bash my ex and I won't be going into full detail, this is for my mental health. Secondly, I'm hoping that people can learn from my experience and find the positivity in such a bad time in my life.

We were having some problems before the breakup, nothing foreign to any couple, relationships have ups and downs. We had talked things out, I know we still needed to work on things but I thought we were ok for now. On Christmas, it was a different story. We were supposed to go back to his house after leaving my aunt's to just hang out. Unfortunately, a joke had turned the conversation sour while being in the car. I felt a little blindsided, a bit in shock, but something I feared for quite some time...He didn't feel the same way I did, he didn't want the same things that I wanted, that he used to want with me. So that was it. I bawled like a baby that night, the next day, a few days after that...and somehow, I wasn't completely mad at him. How can I be mad at him for feeling differently than I do? How can we be friends after this? These are the questions I ask myself almost daily. The first time we broke up, it wasn't this hurtful. I turned off my emotions, I was ok...this time was different. All those memories we shared, the time we spent together smiling and laughing and just being our goofy selves. Where do those memories go if I'm no longer able to reminisce with him? If were both supposed to move on? This week has been extremely tough for me, even writing this is getting me all teared up. I was talking to him for the first couple of days after Christmas because it felt better to have him as my best friend and not be mad at him for not wanting to be my boyfriend anymore. Now that a week has past, I've changed my mind. For me to get passed this, I need to limit my conversations with him. It's time for me to be selfish for a change. I need to be happy on my own again.

One question that I have that keeps popping in my head: Where do I go from here?

All that I can hope for is that 2017 is going to be better than 2016. Lord knows I need it.